mirror of
git://git.9front.org/plan9front/plan9front
synced 2025-01-12 11:10:06 +00:00
403 lines
7.7 KiB
Text
403 lines
7.7 KiB
Text
.LP
|
|
.vs 16 \" adjust line spacing for title
|
|
.ce 3
|
|
.ps 16
|
|
.CW
|
|
YOU ARE NOT A GADGET,
|
|
.br
|
|
HE CLAIMED, VIA
|
|
.br
|
|
CELLPHONE
|
|
.R
|
|
|
|
.ps 8
|
|
.CW
|
|
tags: 1990, eva_bright, freeway_ricky_ross, jaron_lanier, ken_thompson, piro, tab1, tab2
|
|
.R
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
|
|
.br
|
|
|
|
.ce
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
.B 1
|
|
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Dreamed I was a tomcat.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Trundling along the side of the road, fur matted with dirty snow.
|
|
Searching for illegal narcotics.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
My women were nowhere to be found.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Which was fine.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
I happened to be armed. As I ambled along, a car sped by and
|
|
splashed sludge in my face. I fired three rounds into its rear\-right
|
|
tire and the driver went over an embankment. An excruciating crashing
|
|
noise followed. It rang in my ears.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
I approached the vehicle and emptied the rest of my weapon into the
|
|
driver's chest.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
I found part of a hollowed out cantaloupe and slipped it over my
|
|
head.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Cute.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
No one would prosecute a Persian cat.
|
|
|
|
.ce
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
.B 2
|
|
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Oh, great."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"What?"
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"I accidentally saved an image of Spider\-Man in my porn folder."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"So? Move it. Or delete it."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"But I clicked 'Save' without seeing the name of the file."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"So?"
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"So, how am I supposed to find it? This folder is 5TB. I don't want
|
|
that Spider\-Man image to someday be found amongst my archival porn."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"So, go back and start to save it again and see what the suggested
|
|
filename is. You probably just hit 'Enter' when you saved it."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"That... is a very good idea."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"I think I once helped your dad with a similar problem."
|
|
|
|
.ce
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
.B 3
|
|
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Jaron Lanier scooped up a handful of the white powder and inspected
|
|
it closely.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"This appears to be cocaine."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"No shit, Lanier," said Piro.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Lanier peered into his hand, face wrinkled in concentration.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Piro turned to Thomas. "He's always like this."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"He doesn't get high out of our supply, does he?"
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Piro stopped Thomas before he went any further with that line of
|
|
thought.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"No. At least, not that I'm aware."
|
|
|
|
.ce
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
.B 4
|
|
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
It turned out that my son had the drugs.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
.I
|
|
Nepeta cataria.
|
|
.R
|
|
Fifty grams. I'm certain his intent was to sell.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
I left ten grams with an I.O.U.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
The rest I put in my nose. I then put on dark sunglasses to mask my
|
|
dilated pupils, the visible redness in my eyes.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
A car drove by and its pilot tossed an empty beer can at my head.
|
|
It bounced off the cantaloupe and skittered into the grass by the side
|
|
of the road.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
I peered at the exhaust trail over the top of my sunglasses.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Then I pulled out my gun.
|
|
|
|
.bp
|
|
.ce
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
.B 5
|
|
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
It was Ken on the phone.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Lanier, I need some help with these verb tenses."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Not now, Ken, we're... weighing... the drugs."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Piro snatched the phone away from him and barked into the
|
|
mouthpiece.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Ken! Not on this phone!"
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
He jammed his thumb on the 'End' button and then turned back to
|
|
Lanier.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Are you
|
|
.I
|
|
damaged?
|
|
.R
|
|
He can study on his own time!"
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Sorry, sorry," said Lanier, taking a kilo off of the scales.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Piro extracted the SIM card from the phone and crushed it in his
|
|
hand.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Card," he said.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Ricky tossed him a replacement and Piro snapped it into place,
|
|
booted up the phone. He dialed New York.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Eva, patch me through to Nicaragua."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Some moments passed and then Piro began shouting into the
|
|
mouthpiece in gutter Spanish. He rung off and handed the phone back to
|
|
Lanier.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Don't lose that."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Thomas finished with his baggies and then dusted off his hands.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Ken's obsession with Japanese culture is becoming a problem. He
|
|
can't keep his mind on his work. Someone needs to ship him back to
|
|
Japan."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Piro rolled his eyes. Not for the first time that day.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"His parents don't
|
|
.I
|
|
want
|
|
.R
|
|
him back. At least not until he learns to
|
|
speak Japanese."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Huh. That seems unlikely to happen. Couldn't we just do fansubs
|
|
for them?"
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
The men all shared a laugh and then got back to work.
|
|
|
|
.bp
|
|
.ce
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
.B 6
|
|
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Ken unpaused and then re\-paused the DVD.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
He was at an impasse. The episode of
|
|
DOUBLE CATS\f(CW™\fR
|
|
was only a quarter
|
|
of the way through, but he was having trouble understanding the
|
|
dialogue. Finally, he had given up and called Lanier for help.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
He was supposed to be translating these episodes for the torrent
|
|
site.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
How could he admit that as a native Japanese, he couldn't even
|
|
speak his own language?
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
His mind raced. Activating his super\-speed, he cleaned up his
|
|
apartment and did the dishes in just under four seconds, moving so fast
|
|
he knocked over a bookshelf and had to re\-shelve the books. This added
|
|
another two seconds to the tally. He started a pot of spaghetti noodles
|
|
boiling and took some wine out of the refrigerator. Another
|
|
half\-second.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
The impending public humiliation would surely kill him.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Unexpectedly, the phone rang.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Ken."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
It was Lanier.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"I can't stay on here long, but let hear some of the phrases and
|
|
I'll give you some quick translations."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"All right, the cat is wearing a cantaloupe on its head, it just
|
|
pulled out a gun and shot out the tires of a car. The car went into a
|
|
ditch and crashed. Now the cat is smoking a cigarette and putting on a
|
|
pair of sunglasses. The cat says:
|
|
.I
|
|
Baka."
|
|
.R
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Lanier paused before answering.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"What... What exactly are we translating here?"
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"It's an anime. I'm supposed to be doing fansubs. I committed to
|
|
the first six episodes by tonight."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"That's a lot of work, Ken. You're not a gadget, you know."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Yeah, but geeze, shouldn't I at least be able to handle this? I
|
|
didn't even start learning English until I was six years old. How could
|
|
I have completely forgotten my own language?"
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Uh, I've gotta go."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Lanier hung up.
|
|
|
|
.ce
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
.B 7
|
|
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"What are you doing? Give me the phone."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Piro took the cellphone and stuffed it in his jacket pocket. He
|
|
pushed Lanier out of the way and then locked the door to the kitchen.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Thomas. Set the timers. We need a good twenty minutes to get out
|
|
of the neighborhood."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Thomas set all the detonators and the team evacuated the little
|
|
house.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Maybe I should call dad," he said, once he had finished loading up
|
|
his gear.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Why?"
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"He might have some good ideas about how to..." Now it was Thomas'
|
|
turn to roll his eyes. "Oh,
|
|
.I
|
|
never mind."
|
|
.R
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
The men climbed into their white van and pulled away from the safe
|
|
house. As the vehicle accelerated into traffic, Lanier began to
|
|
scribble in his notebook.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Piro gestured towards him, frowning.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"I don't want this guy coming along with us next time."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"What did
|
|
.I
|
|
I
|
|
.R
|
|
do," Lanier protested.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Shut up," the rest of the men said in unison.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"This is a business," Piro began. "There's not time for dicking
|
|
around with language studies and sketching portraits."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Thomas pretended to ignore the scene from behind his visor. He
|
|
brought up some sports scores and wondered at the meticulous
|
|
pointlessness of the statistics industry.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Huh. It looks like the Bears have taken the Super Bowl."
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
The van hit a bump and for a split second Thomas' visor slid up and
|
|
exposed his face.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
"Oh God, what's wrong with his eyes?" asked Lanier.
|
|
.PP
|
|
.ps 10
|
|
Thomas stuck out his tongue and went back to scanning the news.
|